She sat by the window of her apartment, looking at nothing in particular. It was snowing and she unlike most people cribbing about the cold and about being boxed inside, she was not very concerned. About the snow that is. She was however, deep in thought. Had she not been, she may have appreciated the pristine white landscape in front of her which transformed the grimy city, into an urban winter wonderland.
She did not have the ability to see beyond the thoughts buzzing in her head. How long had it been that she kept these thoughts at bay? How long she kept pushing things under the carpet? How long was it that she dared to acknowledge, even to herself, that feeling of foreboding?
Even now, she wished the thoughts away. That was easy. Shut your mind out. Think of happy things. Different things. Interesting things. Ambitions, achievements, aims, proud moments. Anything. Anything that the world would deem "positive".
Memories. Now memories were a different ball-game altogether. they refused to be brushed aside. No. They were more persistent. They put up a fight, like a feisty toddler resisting being tamed by wearing shoes. They came on, unmitigated and as she knew, unassailable.
She was with him and they were happy. They spent time together, not worrying about what tomorrow would bring. They laughed, they sang, they danced (well, she tried to), they cooked, they ate, they drank. There was the occasional fight, nay heated discussion (she being the heated party) as he liked to put it. But they were there. She felt part of 'them'.
A while later, the collage of memories changed. They were still there, but no longer laughing and making merry. It was as if they were leading their own separate lives. He had work she knew. So did she. He had priorities and so did she. Now they met like partners, only not in the sense of a couple. It felt more like a business meeting. It was cordial. Restrained even.
She had stopped telling him she loved him. She convinced herself that telling it again, would not matter. He knew it. He refused to repeat the words like before. He claimed she knew and that was all that mattered. And for long she believed it.
He said their wants and needs were different. She did not know how to tell him all she wanted was for him to want her and all she needed was for him to need her. She could not tell him that being in love also meant working towards each other's needs and wants, rather than letting them be personal business only. She wanted to. She could not.
Then why the emptiness? Why the feeling of something missing? Why all the curtailed impulses of being just the way she was before?
She knew just why. She was scared. She had always been easily spooked when in a relationship. But now, it was worse than ever. She was not scared of his reaction. She knew very well how he would react. She was scared of how she would (or would not be able to) deal with the reaction.
Something inside of her had ceased to believe. Something, that stopped her from seeing the urban winterland before her eyes. Because all she saw was the happy memories, and longed to be back there. Back then in fact, always, with him.
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