She took the window seat on the bus home. She liked the window seats, almost obsessed over getting one whatever the vehicle maybe - a bus, a train, her family car, just about every time. The window seat made her feel less caged. She felt like she could breathe better, free. Yes, she liked the window seat.
As she settled in and paid the conductor the ticket money, she acted more by rote than consciously. Every day routine. Once that was done, she was left to herself. She was not sure if that was a good idea. Off late, she had not been too sure about anything being a good idea.
She looked out the rain splattered window and saw the city pass her by, oblivious to her and yet accepting of her. Her face scrunched up into an almost comical face as she tried and stemmed the flow of tears. It was becoming way too frequent - this sudden rush of emotion, almost always the pensive and melancholic kind. She knew it had to stop. God! She wanted it to stop. If only she could figure out how.
Her day had been good, till she was left alone. That was when it consumed her. Was it boredom? Or was it a sense of burn out? Or was she just running away from the fact that she was not happy? And every time the doubt emerge, she vehemently struck it down and assured herself, she was happy.
She thought about things to distract herself from the overwhelming emotion. She would not give in. There was lots to consider. And yet, her thoughts turned to him. Yes, him. He was a good man, of that she had no doubt. But she wished he would do things differently. How she wished!
She thought of all that she wanted with him. Not a house or a home or anything that demanded seeing beyond today and maybe tomorrow. She did not paint a canvas of dreams that featured a lavish wedding, a blissful parenthood and the proverbial happily ever after. No. She was realistic enough to know it was for the future to decide.
She did wish for companionship in the present. She wished for dinners and walks on the beach (thank god the city had a beach). She hoped to have movie dates and coffee dates. She wanted to travel, with him. It's not like she did not have some of it. Yes, there was the occasional dinner and the odd movie. Not much coffee, lots of beer. A part of her told her she should not be one to complaint. And another part of her screamed at her, pointing out the tears that threatened to breach her eye-lids, that she wanted more.
The thing about travelling by public transport is that you get to see life pass by you, through your fellow passengers. As if on cue, she found herself looking at a young couple, planning a trip on the approaching long weekend. She wanted that the most she guessed. A getaway. She had taken trips with him before, but almost always when he wanted one. This time, she wanted to leave the city and her work behind for a while and just relax.
Friends and family pointed out to her she did not need him to relax. She knew that. What she also knew was she wanted to feel a little more like a couple with him. She wanted to know him better, to be with him. She wanted to be away from the merry chaos of their friends. She just wanted to know how it felt, alone. Even to herself, she could not explain why.
As she sat there, looking at the rain soaked buildings wave her by and life move on as usual, she realised his indifference did affect her. She was not exactly naive, but she did give in to the folly of thinking she was in control. She thought she controlled her feelings towards him. She thought she could handle disappointment. She thought she could do it. But it was not so simple.
She had to face it. She was not happy. She was trying to be happy, and most times she succeeded. Life had dealt her way better than most people around her and away from her had it. She was grateful for that. She should not complain. But she was not entirely happy as she had led herself to believe. No.
And it must end. If only she could figure out how. She could walk away, but she knew she would not. She could not walk away. It would leave her with the regret of not having worked on 'them' long and hard enough. On the other hand, she could muster the courage to talk to him. That she knew was equally tough, given their combined aversion to confrontation. Even if she did get around to breaching the topic, he may not be want to discuss it. And even if he did, she was not sure where it would lead, and she was not ready for the worst.
A familiar landmark suggested she was home. She got her back, hitched it onto her back and proceeded to get off at her stop. She took a deep resolute breath and made up her mind. She would try and find happiness beyond the disappointment. It had taken her too long to accept she had fallen for him and she would not let it go. Nothing worth its while comes easy and she would figure it out, be happy.
"But you are not happy," said a voice in her head. She tried to brush it off, when, out of the blue...
He woke up with a start. It took him a while to get his bearings and realised it was his alarm that had jolted him awake. Taking a few deep breaths, he then got around to realising it was only a dream. They were fine. She and him were fine. It was only a dream...
As she settled in and paid the conductor the ticket money, she acted more by rote than consciously. Every day routine. Once that was done, she was left to herself. She was not sure if that was a good idea. Off late, she had not been too sure about anything being a good idea.
She looked out the rain splattered window and saw the city pass her by, oblivious to her and yet accepting of her. Her face scrunched up into an almost comical face as she tried and stemmed the flow of tears. It was becoming way too frequent - this sudden rush of emotion, almost always the pensive and melancholic kind. She knew it had to stop. God! She wanted it to stop. If only she could figure out how.
Her day had been good, till she was left alone. That was when it consumed her. Was it boredom? Or was it a sense of burn out? Or was she just running away from the fact that she was not happy? And every time the doubt emerge, she vehemently struck it down and assured herself, she was happy.
She thought about things to distract herself from the overwhelming emotion. She would not give in. There was lots to consider. And yet, her thoughts turned to him. Yes, him. He was a good man, of that she had no doubt. But she wished he would do things differently. How she wished!
She thought of all that she wanted with him. Not a house or a home or anything that demanded seeing beyond today and maybe tomorrow. She did not paint a canvas of dreams that featured a lavish wedding, a blissful parenthood and the proverbial happily ever after. No. She was realistic enough to know it was for the future to decide.
She did wish for companionship in the present. She wished for dinners and walks on the beach (thank god the city had a beach). She hoped to have movie dates and coffee dates. She wanted to travel, with him. It's not like she did not have some of it. Yes, there was the occasional dinner and the odd movie. Not much coffee, lots of beer. A part of her told her she should not be one to complaint. And another part of her screamed at her, pointing out the tears that threatened to breach her eye-lids, that she wanted more.
The thing about travelling by public transport is that you get to see life pass by you, through your fellow passengers. As if on cue, she found herself looking at a young couple, planning a trip on the approaching long weekend. She wanted that the most she guessed. A getaway. She had taken trips with him before, but almost always when he wanted one. This time, she wanted to leave the city and her work behind for a while and just relax.
Friends and family pointed out to her she did not need him to relax. She knew that. What she also knew was she wanted to feel a little more like a couple with him. She wanted to know him better, to be with him. She wanted to be away from the merry chaos of their friends. She just wanted to know how it felt, alone. Even to herself, she could not explain why.
As she sat there, looking at the rain soaked buildings wave her by and life move on as usual, she realised his indifference did affect her. She was not exactly naive, but she did give in to the folly of thinking she was in control. She thought she controlled her feelings towards him. She thought she could handle disappointment. She thought she could do it. But it was not so simple.
She had to face it. She was not happy. She was trying to be happy, and most times she succeeded. Life had dealt her way better than most people around her and away from her had it. She was grateful for that. She should not complain. But she was not entirely happy as she had led herself to believe. No.
And it must end. If only she could figure out how. She could walk away, but she knew she would not. She could not walk away. It would leave her with the regret of not having worked on 'them' long and hard enough. On the other hand, she could muster the courage to talk to him. That she knew was equally tough, given their combined aversion to confrontation. Even if she did get around to breaching the topic, he may not be want to discuss it. And even if he did, she was not sure where it would lead, and she was not ready for the worst.
A familiar landmark suggested she was home. She got her back, hitched it onto her back and proceeded to get off at her stop. She took a deep resolute breath and made up her mind. She would try and find happiness beyond the disappointment. It had taken her too long to accept she had fallen for him and she would not let it go. Nothing worth its while comes easy and she would figure it out, be happy.
"But you are not happy," said a voice in her head. She tried to brush it off, when, out of the blue...
He woke up with a start. It took him a while to get his bearings and realised it was his alarm that had jolted him awake. Taking a few deep breaths, he then got around to realising it was only a dream. They were fine. She and him were fine. It was only a dream...
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