Just a dream...

She took the window seat on the bus home. She liked the window seats, almost obsessed over getting one whatever the vehicle maybe - a bus, a train, her family car, just about every time. The window seat made her feel less caged. She felt like she could breathe better, free. Yes, she liked the window seat.

As she settled in and paid the conductor the ticket money, she acted more by rote than consciously. Every day routine. Once that was done, she was left to herself. She was not sure if that was a good idea. Off late, she had not been too sure about anything being a good idea.

She looked out the rain splattered window and saw the city pass her by, oblivious to her and yet accepting of her. Her face scrunched up into an almost comical face as she tried and stemmed the flow of tears. It was becoming way too frequent - this sudden rush of emotion, almost always the pensive and melancholic kind. She knew it had to stop. God! She wanted it to stop. If only she could figure out how.

Her day had been good, till she was left alone. That was when it consumed her. Was it boredom? Or was it a sense of burn out? Or was she just running away from the fact that she was not happy? And every time the doubt emerge, she vehemently struck it down and assured herself, she was happy.

She thought about things to distract herself from the overwhelming emotion. She would not give in. There was lots to consider. And yet, her thoughts turned to him. Yes, him. He was a good man, of that she had no doubt. But she wished he would do things differently. How she wished!

She thought of all that she wanted with him. Not a house or a home or anything that demanded seeing beyond today and maybe tomorrow. She did not paint a canvas of dreams that featured a lavish wedding, a blissful parenthood and the proverbial happily ever after. No. She was realistic enough to know it was for the future to decide.

She did wish for companionship in the present. She wished for dinners and walks on the beach (thank god the city had a beach). She hoped to have movie dates and coffee dates. She wanted to travel, with him. It's not like she did not have some of it. Yes, there was the occasional dinner and the odd movie. Not much coffee, lots of beer. A part of her told her she should not be one to complaint. And another part of her screamed at her, pointing out the tears that threatened to breach her eye-lids, that she wanted more.

The thing about travelling by public transport is that you get to see life pass by you, through your fellow passengers. As if on cue, she found herself looking at a young couple, planning a trip on the approaching long weekend. She wanted that the most she guessed. A getaway. She had taken trips with him before, but almost always when he wanted one. This time, she wanted to leave the city and her work behind for a while and just relax. 

Friends and family pointed out to her she did not need him to relax. She knew that. What she also knew was she wanted to feel a little more like a couple with him. She wanted to know him better, to be with him. She wanted to be away from the merry chaos of their friends. She just wanted to know how it felt, alone. Even to herself, she could not explain why.

As she sat there, looking at the rain soaked buildings wave her by and life move on as usual, she realised his indifference did affect her. She was not exactly naive, but she did give in to the folly of thinking she was in control. She thought she controlled her feelings towards him. She thought she could handle disappointment. She thought she could do it. But it was not so simple.

She had to face it. She was not happy. She was trying to be happy, and most times she succeeded. Life had dealt her way better than most people around her and away from her had it. She was grateful for that. She should not complain. But she was not entirely happy as she had led herself to believe. No.

And it must end. If only she could figure out how. She could walk away, but she knew she would not. She could not walk away. It would leave her with the regret of not having worked on 'them' long and hard enough. On the other hand, she could muster the courage to talk to him. That she knew was equally tough, given their combined aversion to confrontation. Even if she did get around to breaching the topic, he may not be want to discuss it. And even if he did, she was not sure where it would lead, and she was not ready for the worst.

A familiar landmark suggested she was home. She got her back, hitched it onto her back and proceeded to get off at her stop. She took a deep resolute breath and made up her mind. She would try and find happiness beyond the disappointment. It had taken her too long to accept she had fallen for him and she would not let it go. Nothing worth its while comes easy and she would figure it out, be happy.

"But you are not happy," said a voice in her head. She tried to brush it off, when, out of the blue...

He woke up with a start. It took him a while to get his bearings and realised it was his alarm that had jolted him awake. Taking a few deep breaths, he then got around to realising it was only a dream. They were fine. She and him were fine. It was only a dream...

Second chances

The worst you can do is give up hope,  specially when you are at fault.

Its a catch 22 I guess. You know you messed up. You know you are responsoble for what you are going through and so, you know that the chance to be forgiven is slim. Or maybe you are beinh too hard on yourself. It's difficult to be hopeful when you don't know.

People tell you to have faith and keep calm. Be patient. But as always, things like these are easier said than done. It's difficult to be patient and calm when you are hanging by a thread.

The good thing is you learn and are determined to be better. You are determined to keep your anger in check and watch youur words. You are more willing to trust and less inclined to be trying.

But for all that to implement, you need a another chance. Just one more chance to prove you can be the person that can make life easier and happy. A chance to show you are capable of change for the better. A second chance.

And whether you get it or not will be the question.

Meeting the Stars - Shah Rukh Khan

When Chennai Express released, I was one of the many who bashed the movie. However, that movie and its success gave me one of my biggest moments in professional (and personal) life. It gave me a chance to meet Shah Rukh Khan.

It started with my boss candidly asking me if we should try and interview him. Being in under two months into my new job at Business Standard, I was at once excited and skeptical. I mean why would he agree?

I decided to give it a shot and sure enough, once the film crossed the Rs 100 crore mark (and that was within three days of release), I got a call from his publicist, asking me to 'drop over' the next day and interview the man. I was at a friend's place, a house party, and I remember rushing to a quiet place to call my boss and excitedly told him it's happening. He calmly guided me and asked me to enjoy the party.

The next day, I was nervous. I turned to a long time friend, philosopher and guide, and mentor, though she is way too young to be labelled something like that. She sent me a link to a blog that described what to expect when interviewing particular stars. (I can't seem to find the link. If and once I do, shall post it here.) For SRK, it said that journalists end up waiting a long time to meet him. My friend also advised me to be prepared to wait at least a couple of hours. I thought that is the only thing I feel prepared for.

I made my way to Mannat Annex in Bandra that Sunday afternoon, an excited, nervous and hopeful person. On reaching,I found a horde of people standing next to the property's gate or the plaque which said Mannat, clicking pictures and documenting how close they got to the King Khan.

I went up the hill to the entrance at the back to the office. There too, a couple of families were clicking pictures with SRK's vanity van. I could just see their faces full of surprise as I entered the building. In a weird way, I felt like I had arrived in life. I got to enter places people longed to, and I did not especially aspire to, but I still managed. (In retrospect, I feel naive and downright stupid thinking they envied me,but hey, we all learn in time!)

I was led to a spacious waiting room, complete with plush sofas, a huge (I don't know the specific measurement, but it was HUGE) flat screen mounted on one wall and an MF Hussain painting (equally huge) on the wall facing it. There were a couple of journalists present. They seemed to know each other and were bantering about the film business. SRK's publicist entered, greeted me warmly, and joined the others in their banter. At that point, I felt out of place. I mean, here are people who are talking about the film business like they own it. People who have met The Man before and are exchanging anecdotes on his wit. And here I was, sitting there, mulling what to do with the pre-warned two hours I had to kill before I could get down to the business of interviewing him.

As time went on, I was included in the discussion and it got better. My nervousness began to ebb. Finally it was down to two of us. It had been three hours since I was scheduled to meet him. SRK's publicist and his staff made sure we were waiting comfortably. A coffee every half an hour to an hour (or when we asked for it) and food offered periodically. At one point, the publicist just ordered food for us since we had been declining all the while and it had been three and a half hours of waiting. SRK, I was told, was entertaining some friends who came calling unexpectedly.

Finally, at 9.15,I was told he was ready. It had been a little more than five hours of waiting and I was beyond relieved. I had cancelled coffee plans, dinner plans and dessert plans with friends by then. I was led to his library in the office building and was told on the way that he was tired and would be able to spare 20 minutes or so. I was cool with it. Twenty minutes with the King of Bollywood was good enough for someone like me.

As I entered, the sight I saw humbled and amused me to no extent. I saw SRK, THE SHAH RUKH KHAN, sitting on an arm-chair, glasses perched on his nose, reading a book. He turned as we entered and shook my hand as introductions were made.

His first  words to me were, "Sorry you had to wait so long. And that too on a Sunday." I replied pointing out that he was working on a Sunday as well technically, so it's all cool. We were in the same boat. He smiled genially and settled down in his chair, while I took a seat on the sofa next to him.

What ensued was a riveting 40 minute conversation on Chennai Express, its success, the film industry and its changing face, his production house, the economy and much more. I always thought he came across as arrogant in his television interviews and was prepared for it.

It was a pleasant surprise then to realise that what comes across as arrogance, is passion. Here was a man who was devoted to entertaining people and making sure everyone at Red Chilies and in Kolkata Knight Riders enjoyed their time there and were happy. He vehemently stressed that producing a movie means much more than putting your money in it and your name on the credit reel of a movie. It meant investing sweat and tears and he proudly revealed how he has laughed and cried with the ups and downs his production house and team have seen.

Two things struck me - one was his humility in accepting he was not confident he would be accepted as a director. He admitted (without naming the projects) that whenever he tried to don the director's hat, things did not go well. Second thing was his vast knowledge on the business of cinema. And I don't only mean 'gyaan' as we call it. He quoted books and articles, numbers and facts like they are the most common things to dish out in a conversation. As a journalist, however inexperienced in interviewing the biggies, I was impressed.

At the end of the 40 minutes, I had had the chance to say, "I have had coffee with Shah Rukh Khan." He asked me if I was satisfied with the interaction and if I had more questions. I said I was more than satisfied, but had a couple of requests for him. He said, "Of course!" and smiled.

I then pulled out a book  from my bag, a biography of his, that belongs to one of my closest friends. (Apart from my mother, I do not think I would have lugged the five kg book around for anyone).  I told him about my friend and requested him to sign the book, with a personal message. I told her what she did and how much she adored him, and his work and he wrote out this message (I am not sure if I can share it, but it was beautiful, even to me) for her. He then pointed out that the author of the book, a friend of his since his early days, was also in the same room. I requested him to sign it as well.

As for the second request, it was the most obvious. A photo with him. He promptly stood up and moved away from where we were sitting. He selected a spot with good lighting, and I had my photo op with him. As we walked back to the seating place, I told him how I am surrounded by his fans. While I live with the friend whose book he just signed, my mother cannot stop gushing about his performance in movies like Swades and Chak De India!

At this, he did something, that surprised and touched me. He asked me if mom would be up at the time? It was around 10 pm on a Sunday night. I said yes. "Then let's have a word with her!" he said. I am sure my eyes grew big and round in surprise, but I gathered myself and dialed Dad's number. He luckily picked up on the second ring and I asked him to hand the phone to Maa. As she came on the line, I told her someone needed with speak with her, and handed the phone to Shah Rukh.

He took the phone and said, "Hello Mummy, I am Shah Rukh." I could hear my mother's excited voice from two feet away. He told her how her daughter has been interviewing him and praised me (I blushed, I accept). My mother said that she is very proud of the work he does and that she hopes to see more such work from him, and blessed him. It was a two minute conversation, but one that my Mom, Dad and I will remember, verbatim, for life.

After that, I took his leave, thanked him and his publicist and headed home.

I had just finished my first big interview with a Bollywood celebrity and it had not sucked! What's more, I had managed to make two people, two of the people I absolutely love, very happy.

My friends tell me that since I met him, I have done a volte-face in my stance on SRK. To them, all I can say is, I may not agree with his choice of films or his method of acting. I do however respect the man for his knowledge and wit. Most importantly, I respect him for showing the humility of talking to my mom. Others may brush it off as a smart PR move, for me, it made my Mom happy and proud. And that's what matters.

A Letter to the 20 year old from the 26 year old me

Beware the glimmer that hope brings if you have an active imagination.

Beware that uplifting feeling that comes to most of us who allow happiness to walk it and embrace it in a tight hug.

Beware expressing this happiness and hope even to those who make you feel loved.

This is not to discourage you, nor is it an attempt at being a morbid cynic. This is just from the experience of a 26 year old, who refused to accept happiness and then went against her own rules, to be once again forced to go back into her shell.

Never count your chickens before they hatch and never count your blessings aloud. You my friend are the biggest jinx on your fortunes as when you start being content with your destiny, providence finds a way to make you realise it's never an easy road.

We all have walls and we all meet people who make us want to tear them down and be ourselves. Very often these are the people who will shun you once you those walls are down as you stand before them, exposed and vulnerable. It's not that they are bad. They are probably fighting demons of their own. They are probably not even aware that you have torn those walls down, cause they stopped noticing once you told them they mean a lot to you.

Such is the irony in life. You get what you deserve, and then you do stuff to un-deserve the good. If only it were just as easy to be detached from such people or better, turn back time and be done with them.

There is no place for fear in the world of human relationships it is said. I disagree. Fear is what helps you preserve your sanity in times of romantic highs and keeps you grounded when you feel that person you always adored and loved is at your disposal.

Nothing is more pathetic than someone claiming to be in love, and then taking his or her object of love for granted. Do not be that object.

I may have a totally different list of Do's and Don'ts for the 30 year old me when I am 35, but here today, these are the hings I would want to tell you.

Never let people in when you are aware they are volatile and will never put you before themselves. Your efforts and your communication will be of no use. You will be called stupid for writing a mail if you are missing them and you will be laughed at or your spirit crushed for your achievements. If you want to take it in stride, make sure it is worth it. Do not in any form compromise your spirit for another's sense freedom and importance. NEVER EVER SETTLE.

There will be good days. There is no denying. You will be surprised to the point that you feel on top of the world. You will be showered with adoration and love. Remember it is fleeting. Remember that it is also important to hold on to these moments long enough to give a friendship or relationship all your effort, and remember to let go when these friendships and relationships start taking your spirit away or worse, crushing it.

I am an angry person today. Most importantly, remember to remain a happy person, so that you don't need to welcome happiness in your life all over again. It's always there then and no one can take it away. Once you let anger in, it's almost like the most stubborn stain on your whitest linen..it just won't go!

Marry? Me?

I recently read something on Facebook (and as is the case with my, post it on my wall) that explained how I am at an age where most people around me are getting hitched and those who are not, are too drunk to even find their phone. I very definitely fall in the second category, only I feel genuinely lost even without intoxication.

MARRIAGE - an eight letter word that can emasculate most men (?) of my generation. It also is a constant bone of contention in many a household where the daughter is of 'marriageable age' (read any age after 18 years in 90 per cent cases). In my case, it is THE discussion and has been so for quite some time now. At first it was something that would happen- eventually. Then it slowly became a reality as people started 'suggesting suitable boys'. It then hit me full in the face when I agreed to meet some of these guys. Now, I am at the stage where I am on the verge of brandishing the choicest barbs at anyone who so much as starts to say the word.

I am sure I am the only one. Have no confusion. I have neither been unlucky in marriage nor am I a tortured soul who has been threatened in the name of dowry. I am however disillusioned by the concept, need and viability of marriage for people like me. When I say people like me, I mean girls in their late 20's, belonging to traditionally conservative communities but have an upbringing that is relaxed, open and 'free'.

After a couple of relationships that did not work out, I finally agreed to meet these guys. In essence, I agree with the proposition of arranged marriage. It allows people from common backgrounds, customs and living conditions come together and if all goes well, spend a lifetime together. The flaw in this arrangement, I was soon to realise, is that not all Gujaratis are the same. While everyone claims to be modern and broadminded, very few boys (in my experience) would accept a girl who drinks (even socially). Of course non-veg is a NO and let us not get started about a social life that involves reaching home beyond 10.00 pm. And yes, I am talking about people who live in 'forward' cities like Mumbai and Pune.

Perhaps what did it for me was when a particular 'suitable match' and his mother thought that a journalist is too independent and individualistic to make a 'good' wife. This, after knowing well in advance that I cover the business aspect of media and entertainment for Business Standard and intend to continue working in the same field, marriage notwithstanding.

That is when I realised I cannot do it. Of course breaking the news to my parents was tough. Which parent is going to agree to a 26 year old's rant to not get married (at least for while) based on arranged marriage proposal that could finally not be arranged?

But the idea was seeded much much before this happened. The incident, in the larger scheme of things is not so drastic that I felt so bad. No. Things do not work out for the best of people and most are subjected to worse allegations of incompetency to sustain a marriage. (Let me not even start about the body mass, more importantly skin colour and father's social status and how these things are far more important in some cases than education and character.)

The disillusionment with marriage started when I saw how people change. And I am not talking about the people of a particular generation. In general, very few couples that I saw continued to be the same. What hit me was that they were NOT happy with the people they had become. For the older generations, marriage meant forever and beyond and they stuck around - and actually make for very cute couples today. those after them were tad more gutsy and they fought. some separated, but most of them stuck it out, but in my eyes, made life hell for each other.

However, when I do see these same people in better times, I know for a fact that given the right balance, it is an institution that works wonders. Maybe our mothers are right. Maybe some things you see only when you experience them.

Today, I feel I do not have the confidence in our generation to fight hard enough for a marriage. A friend once spoke about an article where the author lamented that today's generation is very shrewd in make investments of the financial kinds and will take risks to double returns, but are absolutely inert when it comes to their interpersonal relationships.

I can't help but notice it is true. Coming from a generation that prides itself on the "No Strings Attached" funda, I fear we have become so complacent under the garb of this notion, that we refuse to invest the slightest in our today. We are extremely cautious of maintaining secrecy around our life saying we don;t want to hurt or burden others with our actions or problems, but are we not in effect just scared that the world is as callous as we are to it?

A friend recently told me he can't tell his ex about the new girl he is dating simply because he "cannot hurt her (the ex) anymore. I don;t have the guts," he said. What of the girl you are dating right now? Does she not want to be accepted and acknowledged by you? Or will you wait till you break her heart as well and then make a show of not wanting to hurt her, and that too is just a way of making sure your many worlds don't collide.

Just because two people do not commit to a happily ever after, does not mean they do not need to invest in the time they have together. There is a totally different relationship for that kind of intimacy, and if tha is what a person wants, well and fine, just don't try and disguise it as dating and abuse the 'L' word so profusely.

I am not angry and this is not a lash out entry in the blog. I am genuinely concerned about the life we are building ourselves. I agree I harbour most of the shortcomings of today's generation, including a ghastly commitment phobia and issues with trust. And I am as scared as any to end up alone. I agree I am confused. I know I don;t want to end up alone, and yet I believe marriage is not the answer.

My problem is as much with marriage and the responsibilities and (perceived) hardships it brings with it as with people who will jump at every chance to ridicule marriage and it's trappings. Not a problem so much as a worry. A friend recently told me that for our generation, it's fashionable to say, "I don';t want to get married." The person saying it may just be towing the line defined by the social norms of his peer group and I should not take it seriously. I really do hope that is the case, for I would hate to be told "I love you, but I hate marry you. So let's just date and call it off when either is bored, or you feel the need to marry." (As far as deal breakers go, this would be it I guess.)

I would like to marry, eventually. It may be at 30 or 35 or even later. I am petrified of the thought of living alone (those who know me I can't survive a night all alone in a house..ANY HOUSE). But more than the convenience of having someone around, I know I shall crave companionship. That is the marriage I want (and deserve I believe). And I do not think arrange marriage (in its current state and the experiences I have had) will get me that.

I hope that my generation has at least some people like me. Given my fear for being alone, you may understand how petrified these thoughts make me feel, especially to consider no one else feels this way.

We are after all, human.

We swear by the need for space (if not speed as well). We believe in the idiom 'To each his own' and many of us have made it our life mantra. We do not care for things and people that weigh us down and we definitely do not have time to be possessive and clingy. We are too cool for that.

We are from a time and generation that prides itself on the sense on individuality, focus on what matters (read career), appreciation for all things professional and supreme constraint when it comes to expression. Don't get me wrong, we love to express our views and opinions and all subjects under the sun, its the affect part we pride ourselves at hiding.

A shield of practicality and logic protects us from other's expectations from us and very often, our own feelings. We do not need to show people how much we love them. They can figure it our on their own, and if they can't, it's for lack of comprehension on their part, not lack of compassion on ours.

We believe in being non-confrontational when it comes to personal matters. We prefer not fighting, lest it require us to prod into our conscience and face what we feel about whom. We believe in pushing things under the carpet till one day, the carpet comes apart at the seams. Even then, rather than clear the mess, we run. We run under the pretense of the need to find a new adventure, a new mission. All the while, forgetting that the mess we escaped has pervaded into someone's existence and since that other may not be as 'emotionally efficient' as us, it does create an impact.

We forget in our defensive escapist way of life, that in shielding ourselves from the trappings that human emotions and interpersonal dealings bring us, we are actually hurting those we claim to love and care. But hey, the intention is not to hurt, its just us ya? We can't help it if our pristine and pragmatic view on things ends up hurting people.

I mean, so what if we cannot muster the courage to communicate the truth about a matter in a relationship? So what if we cannot gather the balls to call it off when we stop feeling or fight for someone when they decide to leave? So what if we find it unnecessary to express love nd concern for those we put on a pedestal a while back and praised endlessly?

I mean, where is the rush? We are not going anywhere are we?

It's ironic that we are gutsy and ambitious about our careers but feel, "This is not the time for dating or investing in a relationship. This is the time to earn." We are so scared to even consider a future with someone who admittedly we are attracted to, that we stop appreciating them and start taking them for granted (or at least that's how I guess they may feel).

Agreed we have flaws and so do the people around us. But are we really that callous to demand everything on our terms and dismiss anything on their's? Are we really so scared to accept someone's presence and importance in our life that we constantly make jokes on them under the garb of wanting to have fun.

Have we reached a point where we are incapable of maintaining a relationship just because we don't want to feel?

Remember. Prod memories. Poke at those images from school and college and various picnics and friend gatherings and functions and what not. Remember. Did we not want to feel wanted and needed and loved? Did we not feel betrayed when those who adored us left us high and dry all of a sudden? Did we not yearn for consistency in life? In the behaviour of others and in relationships at home and outside? We would be lying if we were to deny it.

Then why do we act so callous?

May be once in our lives we may take the bold step. Speak up. May be not bare our soul, but say enough to see the smile return on the face of that one we love but stopped saying we do. Express and share. May be not all of life's burdens and personal demons, but enough to assure those who love us that the fault is not in them, but in the circumstances.

We have our intentions in place maybe, but our efforts fail us and eventually, fail our relationships.

We are after all, human.

Where's my network yaar?

Belonging to a generation that is all but a slave to its smartphones, I am one of the lucky few to maintain some distance from my phone. This is not from some supreme will power or restraint I exercise on myself. I have Vodafone to thank for this 'healthy' habit since the network provider has decided never to facilitate any kind of network in my house.

By some miraculous luck, I have managed to get myself a nice rent controlled (touchwood, touchwood touchwood) apartment with NO network whatsoever. As a consequence, I am pretty sure I have blood pressure issues (from waiting for network on my phone once I am out of my house) and my family has fallen into the unhealthy habit of being reassured that I am home if my phone is out of coverage area (God forbid I am kidnapped and taken to some dark dingy basement where there is no network. My parents will be living in the false hope that 'all izz well' since well, who gets network at home anyway, right?)

Being a Vodafone loyalist, I kept making complaints and sticking my head out of the bedroom window in order to get some network. After almost three years, I have now given up. Being a journalist, I am not too comfortable with changing my number, so I felt the best way to go is Mobile Number Portability. But alas, Vodafone has other plans. My calls to the customer care center kept dropping while I was being transferred from one 'concerned' department to another. Frustrated and completely disillusioned, I hung up and decided to update my Facebook status and tweet about the incident. 

Well, THAT caught the pug's owner's attention and I was assured, nay reassured, that Vodafone would be 'Happy to Help' at the earliest. The earliest they could reach out to me was the next day. Even then, I was bombarded with the same questions that I had answered at least 5 times earlier and was given the same reassurances as before.

It never stops amusing me that had I not paid the bill, the reminder call would have come within an hour, but anyway.

I am currently 'co-operating' with the Vodafone India team while they send network engineers to survey the nearest cell site to my house and get back with their feedback by April 8.

What was more appalling than Vodafone extremely efficient and prompt customer complaint redressal, was that most of my friends seemed to face similar problems in with their network! One of my friends tells me never to opt for Airtel since he has been using it since the last 10 years and has seen a consistent drop in voice quality and network connectivity, not to mention inefficient 3G coverage. I was advised similar things about Idea and BSNL and MTNL and DOCOMO and RELIANCE and AIRCEL and what not. I actually have a friend who has changed some 3 number and ported in and out of three other networks!

I only hope these people get their act together. India is a country that loves to talk (how else do you think 11 telecom operators have managed to co-exist in the country?). And God forbid someone comes in the way. I may be one disgruntled customer whom the pug refuses to follow, but the number seems to be growing and there will be a time when telecom companies also will not be able to 'ullu banaving'.

Until then, I guess I shall continue living in the network black hole that is my abode and pray I do not get kidnapped and shipped off to a dingy network-less basement where I may die before anyone realises I am actually missing  and not chilling at home.

The Coming Out of a Closet Romantic

A couple of days back, Valentine's Day hit the world. I even updated my facebook status saying how I felt I was swimming in a sea of red.

Being one of the (self-proclaimed) anti-mush, anti-cheese and anti-lovey dovey stuff, I was positively flummoxed by all the proclamations of love on various platforms. By the end of the day, it became difficult to have a drink with a school friend without the waiter offering him a rose (yes, a RED ROSE) to give me! And the waiter did not give up when my friend sheepishly put the rose aside, he offered me one as well! (Not sure whether I was to give it to my male friend, but I preferred keeping it in the glass of water on our table).

Gist of the matter is, apparently, we now need a day to express our love for the ones we love. And that bothers me. Not in an idealistic way or anything, but just in the sense that I feel compelled to express that day. And sure enough, I did end up sending what I would define as a cheesy corny message to person and expected a similar reply. Sadly, it was not to be. But that's a different story.

Coming back to my point. Valentine's Day (or Rose Day or Chocolate Day etc) is a marketing opportunity and that is well established. Somehow, I find it intriguing to see how so many of us react to it. Whether we love the day or hate, we shall discuss it. Case in point, a very close friend and I ended up discussing the day over a completely unrelated post on my facebook wall. So I guess none of us are immune to the day or the trappings it brings with it.

At the end of the day, I ended up telling the same friend "I feel unloved". And I realise it was not because I did not get the response I expected from someone or because I sat their looking at people get gifts or felt absolutely single. It was because I was trying so hard to resist the day, that ultimately, when it crept upon me, I felt I had nothing and no one to love (or loved me, barring that ever loving potentially smothering lot called FAMILY).

Have we become so insecure in our daily lives that we crave attention and affection but will not accept it even to ourselves? I always maintain that work is the best companion. The reason - humans (and again that lot called family may be excluded) have the option to leave you, in my books, work doesn't. Having maintained this stance for years now (and been called a workaholic by most people I am close to), I now realise how blatantly stupid I have been. In one word (which may draw the ire of some elders) BALLS!!! Balls I feel best while working. Balls I feel human interactions are moot. Balls I feel a seeing my byline is better than a hug!

I am human. Not an Android or robot. I cannot programme myself not to yearn human warmth. Well, the problem with that is putting yourself out there, which exposes you to the risk of rejection or dejection (chose your poison as they say). I finally hear a little voice in me saying, "Your friends are right. Work doesn't hug you back. Of course its an adrenaline rush to be doing what you love and get paid for it. But what after that?"

Maybe I am not any different from the girls parading in red on Valentine's Day or the waiter insisting my male friend gives me a rose. Maybe I am just dysfunctional in the way I crave expression. Or, I am just different. Whatever I may be, I can say I am a closet romantic and finally I am OK with that!

(PS: Maybe someone out there will read the blog and surprise me dramatically. You know, it never pains to dream :D )