Swipe that, Baby!

We will in a world today that is more connected through devices today than a smile. Or at least that is what I have come to believe. Dinner conversations are often replaced by instagramming the food or selfies and birthday wishes are Facebook posts more often than a a phone call. Why then should meeting new people be any different.

I for one have been very skeptical of dating sites or apps. However, after a pretty tearful breakdown in front of a dear friend, I was encouraged (by the same friend) to give it a try. Just to have a new experience (and I am guessing, make use of the memory on my phone to download some new apps).

So began my tryst with Tinder. My exposure to the app until then was limited to funny posts on sites like Buzzfeed and Distractify. I (cautiously) logged into it. I was careful while swiping and found myself swiping left to most. The few I did swipe right to, seemed like decent guys (with not-so-bad grammar and non-wannabe seeming, in my opinion).

After spending around 10 minutes on this exercise, I got on to doing some work, which meant leaving my phone aside for a while. When I went back to it, I was genuinely surprised to see some messages from the people I had swiped right to!

It's not been long since I joined the app, but I have learnt somethings.

First, we need to find new names for boys! Like seriously, there must be at least three duplicate names in the very very few I swiped right. How many Rahuls and Amits  (random names people, not necessarily once I swiped right) are there in my 15 kilometer radius!!??

I also learnt that almost everyone loves to travel and loves food. Makes me wonder if profiles are really all that. It was funnier when I came across profiles of guys I personally know, and know for a fact they are anything but 'open to experimenting' (ask them to try a new place and they physically pale at the thought). I also realised, it's a two way sword. If they show up on my list, I may on theirs too.

Another scary, yet oddly funny, realisation, I may actually bump into an ex here. Like seriously, that's probably fate's way of staying relevant in an increasingly mechanised world :D

I remember telling my friend (the same who egged me to try it out), that the best thing about the app is that it allows to swipe left anonymously. As selfish as it may sound, there is a weird thrill in swiping left. It's like this weird sense of power while exercising choice. (This is in no way inspired by the My Choice, mind you).

It also made me aware that the app gives you a better handle on objectivity. I am not a biker chick and cannot hold my end of an intense political debate. Before I swipe right, I can (if someone has been kind enough to list something informative to that effect in his profile) get a better hang of the interest of the person. It seems pretty scientific in that sense and that was a great surprise!

Like I said, it's early days, and I may just come across an axe murderer. But until then, I am going to keep exercising my thumbs.

Run and Hide

It was a Sunday like any other. He was around family. They were chatting, talking exchanging notes on how their had been. Nothing very interesting. He tended to zone out on such occasions. He could do that, since he could not run away.

But you did run away.

That voice again.

You ran away and in the most cowardly, deceitful way possible. Oh Yes! You warned her you'll be running away. You spared no chance of reminding her that she had nothing, absolutely nothing, that would hold you back. You told her, again and again and yet again, that you would run. And run you did.

But that, is by far the only promise you kept. Come on. Don't fight it. You know it's true. You told her you'll be a man and tell her you are done. Tell her on her face, that you needed to run away. You promised her it won't be like the other times. You made her believe you were different. 

But what did you do? You pushed her away, further and further, till she could take no more and she asked for answers. That was her mistake. She asked answers to questions you had created. What was her fault again? That she trusted you? That she believed you? That she, despite repeated advises from her well-wishers, preferred to forgive you? That she fought for what she was led to believe - that you loved her? That she did not give up like the rest of them? 

Oh she was at fault, mind you. She was at fault when she turned a blind eye to everything you did. She was at fault when she did not stand up for herself. She was at fault when she preferred to forgive you, but not herself. She was at fault for believing she was any different to you than the scores other before her. She fell for the oldest trick in the book. She did not want to change you, but she did believe that you were different with her. That, was her greatest undoing. And that is what she is paying for.

She was not perfect, never pretended to be, and never asked you to be. That was her fault. She was a fool all right.

But you. What all do you have to pay for then? You made her miserable. Get drunk - shower her with love and praise; fully in your senses - make her feel like she is the worst in the world. Make jokes about the way she looked. Call her names. Check out other women explicitly while with her. And if she made an objection, you claimed she is no fun and that she has changed. That she could not even take a joke.

She was a fool, and she surely realises it now. You would never had fought the way she did to make it work. For you, it was all about the chase. That is why you went into the relationship calling it yet another failure.

She was doomed the day she fell for you. And you made sure she did. Before that, it was evening dates and drinking nights and movies and planning trips. What when she gave in? You could not  find one thing to do with her? Where once you spent so much time with her, you now had none to give her. What little time you did give her, was spent on your terms. It was all about you.

You had time for everything but her and took pride in telling her that. What did it give you? What high did doing this give you that even smoking pot and drinking could not compete with? What was it that you were trying to prove? Why could you not be man enough to walk away? Why, of all the decent things you claimed a man owed the woman in love with him, could you not face her and tell her its over? When the time came, you threw her under the bus. Why?

The truth is, you were running away from the day she gave in. It was no longer interesting for you. There was no chase left. She was there. What did you need her for now? Why would you need to plan trips? Why would you need to take her out on dates? Why would you watch movies with her? Suddenly, everything you did with her, needed to be done with your family. Suddenly, work became hectic and family became demanding. 

She was a fool to believe you. A fool to believe you ever wanted her. A fool.

But are you happy now? You say you feel free now. Free of responsibility, free of that feeling of being caged. For how long though? Or have you already marked your new target? It did not take to long to mark her. So are now chasing a new "love"?

Perhaps what you are really running from is yourself. Not in the metaphysical sense. You are just so worried what people would think of you if you let yourself be in love and show it. Why else would you claim to love someone and then run? Why else would you tell someone you love them, and then ignore them, push them away? Why else would you use your family as a crutch in this running away? Why else would you show someone happiness and then show pain that will kill that happiness? Why else would you take pride in being an asshole (by your own admission) and tell people it is their fault if they did not figure it out? Why?

You can run. Run all the way. Run from her. Run from the city. Run from your friends. Run from your family. Run from responsibilities. Run from the truth...till it catches up with you. What will you do then?

He snapped out of it. As usual, he shook it off. Nothing a night of drinking with his friends (?) won't fix. Nothing he can't fix. Hopefully.

Voices

Yet another flight.

As he looked out of the window (he was glad he avoided the tortures of an aisle seat. More than the inconvenience of the cart bumping into his elbow and knee from time to time, he thanked the escape that the view outside gave him from talking to fellow passengers for long.), his mind went back to the past six months.

What made him say the things he said to her?

He thought back to the past six months and went over all he had said. It was not something he could be, or should be, proud of. No one could be proud of it. Every time they spoke, he would find ways to make fun of her. He would joke about the way she looked and the way she dressed. Call her weird things and tell her he did not love her. He shot down her suggestions for things to do together. They were the same things he would have suggested otherwise.

He had even told her he was just testing her. And she had not left him. He had told her he went on a date instead of spending time with her. And she continued to be by his side. He made it a point to go out ever so often, but never with her. She asked him what was wrong. He maintained "Nothing".

Maybe you are scared.

The voice sounded so much like her, he had to look around to see if she had somehow got the seat next to him.

You are testing her to see when she breaks. You know you love her. You know you feel so strongly for her. You are scared.

No. He did not have the time to give her. He was fighting too many battles at too many fronts to focus.

These battles were there when you chased her, convinced her you were in love with her. Work was equally hectic and she has never fought over work anyway. She has lain her trust in you on your many trips away for work. Even when you tell her about the many girls who approach you, she does not throw a fit. Why then do you push her away?

Why do you push her towards breaking point? What do you get out of it? Well, you do get a reason to point out to her that she throws tantrums. You do get to tell her she is harassing you. You get to tell her that what she is feeling is nonsensical. You get to show her that you care less than she does. You get to show her you love less than she does.

But do you? Or are you just scared? Scared to face your own feelings? So scared that you can't commit.? Scared you feel you may get bored with her? Worse, you are scared she will be bored with you. So you don't give her the chance to be. Only, ask yourself this - Is it the right way? Instead of making an effort, you push her away?

When was the last time you did something for her? Even get her a green balloon? Or compliment her on the way she looked? 

You are either fooling her, saying you love her, or you are fooling yourself, saying you don't. Which one is it?

A nudge to his elbow snapped him out of his thoughts and her voice faded. The passenger next to him had arrived, and wanted to chat.

He was, for the first time in a long time, thankful for a chatty co-passenger. It allowed him to do what he did best. Push things under the carpet.