I recently read something on Facebook (and as is the case with my, post it on my wall) that explained how I am at an age where most people around me are getting hitched and those who are not, are too drunk to even find their phone. I very definitely fall in the second category, only I feel genuinely lost even without intoxication.
MARRIAGE - an eight letter word that can emasculate most men (?) of my generation. It also is a constant bone of contention in many a household where the daughter is of 'marriageable age' (read any age after 18 years in 90 per cent cases). In my case, it is THE discussion and has been so for quite some time now. At first it was something that would happen- eventually. Then it slowly became a reality as people started 'suggesting suitable boys'. It then hit me full in the face when I agreed to meet some of these guys. Now, I am at the stage where I am on the verge of brandishing the choicest barbs at anyone who so much as starts to say the word.
I am sure I am the only one. Have no confusion. I have neither been unlucky in marriage nor am I a tortured soul who has been threatened in the name of dowry. I am however disillusioned by the concept, need and viability of marriage for people like me. When I say people like me, I mean girls in their late 20's, belonging to traditionally conservative communities but have an upbringing that is relaxed, open and 'free'.
After a couple of relationships that did not work out, I finally agreed to meet these guys. In essence, I agree with the proposition of arranged marriage. It allows people from common backgrounds, customs and living conditions come together and if all goes well, spend a lifetime together. The flaw in this arrangement, I was soon to realise, is that not all Gujaratis are the same. While everyone claims to be modern and broadminded, very few boys (in my experience) would accept a girl who drinks (even socially). Of course non-veg is a NO and let us not get started about a social life that involves reaching home beyond 10.00 pm. And yes, I am talking about people who live in 'forward' cities like Mumbai and Pune.
Perhaps what did it for me was when a particular 'suitable match' and his mother thought that a journalist is too independent and individualistic to make a 'good' wife. This, after knowing well in advance that I cover the business aspect of media and entertainment for Business Standard and intend to continue working in the same field, marriage notwithstanding.
That is when I realised I cannot do it. Of course breaking the news to my parents was tough. Which parent is going to agree to a 26 year old's rant to not get married (at least for while) based on arranged marriage proposal that could finally not be arranged?
But the idea was seeded much much before this happened. The incident, in the larger scheme of things is not so drastic that I felt so bad. No. Things do not work out for the best of people and most are subjected to worse allegations of incompetency to sustain a marriage. (Let me not even start about the body mass, more importantly skin colour and father's social status and how these things are far more important in some cases than education and character.)
The disillusionment with marriage started when I saw how people change. And I am not talking about the people of a particular generation. In general, very few couples that I saw continued to be the same. What hit me was that they were NOT happy with the people they had become. For the older generations, marriage meant forever and beyond and they stuck around - and actually make for very cute couples today. those after them were tad more gutsy and they fought. some separated, but most of them stuck it out, but in my eyes, made life hell for each other.
However, when I do see these same people in better times, I know for a fact that given the right balance, it is an institution that works wonders. Maybe our mothers are right. Maybe some things you see only when you experience them.
Today, I feel I do not have the confidence in our generation to fight hard enough for a marriage. A friend once spoke about an article where the author lamented that today's generation is very shrewd in make investments of the financial kinds and will take risks to double returns, but are absolutely inert when it comes to their interpersonal relationships.
I can't help but notice it is true. Coming from a generation that prides itself on the "No Strings Attached" funda, I fear we have become so complacent under the garb of this notion, that we refuse to invest the slightest in our today. We are extremely cautious of maintaining secrecy around our life saying we don;t want to hurt or burden others with our actions or problems, but are we not in effect just scared that the world is as callous as we are to it?
A friend recently told me he can't tell his ex about the new girl he is dating simply because he "cannot hurt her (the ex) anymore. I don;t have the guts," he said. What of the girl you are dating right now? Does she not want to be accepted and acknowledged by you? Or will you wait till you break her heart as well and then make a show of not wanting to hurt her, and that too is just a way of making sure your many worlds don't collide.
Just because two people do not commit to a happily ever after, does not mean they do not need to invest in the time they have together. There is a totally different relationship for that kind of intimacy, and if tha is what a person wants, well and fine, just don't try and disguise it as dating and abuse the 'L' word so profusely.
I am not angry and this is not a lash out entry in the blog. I am genuinely concerned about the life we are building ourselves. I agree I harbour most of the shortcomings of today's generation, including a ghastly commitment phobia and issues with trust. And I am as scared as any to end up alone. I agree I am confused. I know I don;t want to end up alone, and yet I believe marriage is not the answer.
My problem is as much with marriage and the responsibilities and (perceived) hardships it brings with it as with people who will jump at every chance to ridicule marriage and it's trappings. Not a problem so much as a worry. A friend recently told me that for our generation, it's fashionable to say, "I don';t want to get married." The person saying it may just be towing the line defined by the social norms of his peer group and I should not take it seriously. I really do hope that is the case, for I would hate to be told "I love you, but I hate marry you. So let's just date and call it off when either is bored, or you feel the need to marry." (As far as deal breakers go, this would be it I guess.)
I would like to marry, eventually. It may be at 30 or 35 or even later. I am petrified of the thought of living alone (those who know me I can't survive a night all alone in a house..ANY HOUSE). But more than the convenience of having someone around, I know I shall crave companionship. That is the marriage I want (and deserve I believe). And I do not think arrange marriage (in its current state and the experiences I have had) will get me that.
I hope that my generation has at least some people like me. Given my fear for being alone, you may understand how petrified these thoughts make me feel, especially to consider no one else feels this way.
MARRIAGE - an eight letter word that can emasculate most men (?) of my generation. It also is a constant bone of contention in many a household where the daughter is of 'marriageable age' (read any age after 18 years in 90 per cent cases). In my case, it is THE discussion and has been so for quite some time now. At first it was something that would happen- eventually. Then it slowly became a reality as people started 'suggesting suitable boys'. It then hit me full in the face when I agreed to meet some of these guys. Now, I am at the stage where I am on the verge of brandishing the choicest barbs at anyone who so much as starts to say the word.
I am sure I am the only one. Have no confusion. I have neither been unlucky in marriage nor am I a tortured soul who has been threatened in the name of dowry. I am however disillusioned by the concept, need and viability of marriage for people like me. When I say people like me, I mean girls in their late 20's, belonging to traditionally conservative communities but have an upbringing that is relaxed, open and 'free'.
After a couple of relationships that did not work out, I finally agreed to meet these guys. In essence, I agree with the proposition of arranged marriage. It allows people from common backgrounds, customs and living conditions come together and if all goes well, spend a lifetime together. The flaw in this arrangement, I was soon to realise, is that not all Gujaratis are the same. While everyone claims to be modern and broadminded, very few boys (in my experience) would accept a girl who drinks (even socially). Of course non-veg is a NO and let us not get started about a social life that involves reaching home beyond 10.00 pm. And yes, I am talking about people who live in 'forward' cities like Mumbai and Pune.
Perhaps what did it for me was when a particular 'suitable match' and his mother thought that a journalist is too independent and individualistic to make a 'good' wife. This, after knowing well in advance that I cover the business aspect of media and entertainment for Business Standard and intend to continue working in the same field, marriage notwithstanding.
That is when I realised I cannot do it. Of course breaking the news to my parents was tough. Which parent is going to agree to a 26 year old's rant to not get married (at least for while) based on arranged marriage proposal that could finally not be arranged?
But the idea was seeded much much before this happened. The incident, in the larger scheme of things is not so drastic that I felt so bad. No. Things do not work out for the best of people and most are subjected to worse allegations of incompetency to sustain a marriage. (Let me not even start about the body mass, more importantly skin colour and father's social status and how these things are far more important in some cases than education and character.)
The disillusionment with marriage started when I saw how people change. And I am not talking about the people of a particular generation. In general, very few couples that I saw continued to be the same. What hit me was that they were NOT happy with the people they had become. For the older generations, marriage meant forever and beyond and they stuck around - and actually make for very cute couples today. those after them were tad more gutsy and they fought. some separated, but most of them stuck it out, but in my eyes, made life hell for each other.
However, when I do see these same people in better times, I know for a fact that given the right balance, it is an institution that works wonders. Maybe our mothers are right. Maybe some things you see only when you experience them.
Today, I feel I do not have the confidence in our generation to fight hard enough for a marriage. A friend once spoke about an article where the author lamented that today's generation is very shrewd in make investments of the financial kinds and will take risks to double returns, but are absolutely inert when it comes to their interpersonal relationships.
I can't help but notice it is true. Coming from a generation that prides itself on the "No Strings Attached" funda, I fear we have become so complacent under the garb of this notion, that we refuse to invest the slightest in our today. We are extremely cautious of maintaining secrecy around our life saying we don;t want to hurt or burden others with our actions or problems, but are we not in effect just scared that the world is as callous as we are to it?
A friend recently told me he can't tell his ex about the new girl he is dating simply because he "cannot hurt her (the ex) anymore. I don;t have the guts," he said. What of the girl you are dating right now? Does she not want to be accepted and acknowledged by you? Or will you wait till you break her heart as well and then make a show of not wanting to hurt her, and that too is just a way of making sure your many worlds don't collide.
Just because two people do not commit to a happily ever after, does not mean they do not need to invest in the time they have together. There is a totally different relationship for that kind of intimacy, and if tha is what a person wants, well and fine, just don't try and disguise it as dating and abuse the 'L' word so profusely.
I am not angry and this is not a lash out entry in the blog. I am genuinely concerned about the life we are building ourselves. I agree I harbour most of the shortcomings of today's generation, including a ghastly commitment phobia and issues with trust. And I am as scared as any to end up alone. I agree I am confused. I know I don;t want to end up alone, and yet I believe marriage is not the answer.
My problem is as much with marriage and the responsibilities and (perceived) hardships it brings with it as with people who will jump at every chance to ridicule marriage and it's trappings. Not a problem so much as a worry. A friend recently told me that for our generation, it's fashionable to say, "I don';t want to get married." The person saying it may just be towing the line defined by the social norms of his peer group and I should not take it seriously. I really do hope that is the case, for I would hate to be told "I love you, but I hate marry you. So let's just date and call it off when either is bored, or you feel the need to marry." (As far as deal breakers go, this would be it I guess.)
I would like to marry, eventually. It may be at 30 or 35 or even later. I am petrified of the thought of living alone (those who know me I can't survive a night all alone in a house..ANY HOUSE). But more than the convenience of having someone around, I know I shall crave companionship. That is the marriage I want (and deserve I believe). And I do not think arrange marriage (in its current state and the experiences I have had) will get me that.
I hope that my generation has at least some people like me. Given my fear for being alone, you may understand how petrified these thoughts make me feel, especially to consider no one else feels this way.
